• Keldor Interviews the Stars of the SEF #4

      Keldor: Hi, fans, welcome back to another edition of Keldor Interviews! Today I will be interviewing our remaining six teams from the SEF Team Challenge!
      Keldor: First up, we'll be hearing from Team Skulldoggery, Boris and Bloodfang ...

      Keldor: Boris, I heard you and Bloodfang had a bit of a tussle in the locker room. What was that about?
      Boris: The megalomaniac known as Vull actually expects me to share a locker with this stinking, mangy dog. Even your putrid odor is better, Keldor. Sick of my armor smelling of wet mutt.
      Keldor: Bloodfang, care to share your side of the story?
      Bloodfang: Mutt? Dog? Iíll eat your heart and wear your skin for that one, weak human. Letís just hope your ego does not cause indigestion.
Keldor: Well now that youíre both such good friends, how do you think youíll do in the event?
      Boris: I will crush skulls, as usual. Wulven ones too, if they step out of line.
      Bloodfang: Knowing the ďmealĒ that awaits me at the end, they will all know the fury of Tinnal.

      Keldor: Speaking of Tinnal, our next team is the very unlikely pairing of Darkclaw with the cat-lover known as Ythan ...

      Keldor: Darkclaw, what do you like to do in your spare time? Read any good books lately?

      Darkclaw: I prefer to hunt in my spare time, Keldor. The world of Balor has many new, savory creatures to consume. We donít have cats on Tinnal, that has to be my favorite of Balor so far.
      Keldor: Ythan, how does your feline friend feel about you being paired with a Wulven?

      Ythan: Hah! A Wulven that canít even read? No fear. He deferred that answer for a reason. My feline companion here has no reason to be concerned for such an inferior creature.
      Keldor: This question is for both of you: what is the top item on your bucket list?
      Darkclaw: Gwen.
      Ythan: Gwen.

      Keldor: Speaking of the lovely Gwen, our next team has a hunter from the other end of the attractiveness spectrum, Baduruu, who is paired with Jericho.

      Keldor: Baduruu, you seem to have a skull with you all the time. Anyone I know?

      Baduruu: Your mother.

      Keldor: Well do look after her. Jericho, where did you get that amazing outfit? Mordstrom? Gloomingdaleís?

      Jericho: These Robes of Mending could not be purchased, even for a million gold. Gifted by the Seven themselves. Keep dreaming, you abomination.
      Keldor: OK, here's one such dream. Time freezes for everyone but you for one day. What would either of you do?
      Baduruu: Collect myself enough ears for a nice necklace. ďFather JerichoĒ here can take Aradaís Jewels and shove them.
      Jericho: Take extra time to pray for all of you heathens, and wait for the Seven to smite you.

      Keldor: Well, I'd love to stand here and be insulted all day, but I have another team to talk to. Aramia and Moonstalker, let's get down to business ...

      Keldor: Aramia, some people say that Mages arenít very tough and need all their abilities and items to make up for their own weakness. What would you say to them?
      Aramia: They may be right, but they will not remain alive long enough to find out. Care to test me, Keldor?
      Keldor: Would being Undead make the test invalid? Let's assume so. Moonstalker, how do...hey...HEY! OWW!! You come back here with my femur! ARGH!! This is why youíll never see me within a mile of a dog park. Cut! Interview over!

      *some time later*

      Keldor: Do I really have to do two more of these today? I'm starting to wonder about this career change. Perhaps our next team can help a little. It's one of my personal favorites actually: Bane's World, Bane's World, party time, excellent!

      Keldor: Garth, Iím looking for some new material. Whatís your favorite joke?

      Garth: Knock, knock.
      *Garth starts unsheathing a dagger*

      Keldor: Bane, if you die, can I have your right femur? Mine got a bit chewed up.

      Banebow: You want MY bones? Go fetch yours from that mangy Wulven. What kind of Undead are you?! Shame ...
      Keldor: Tear gas makes people cry and laughing gas makes people giggle. What other kinds of gases do either of you wish existed?

      Garth: Gold gas. Could turn anything into gold. We could make you some gold ears for me to steal.
      Banebow: You know, we could use a little of that laughing gas back in Balor. Maybe help you get your career off the ground.
      Keldor: Wouldn't helium be better ...?

      *a tumbleweed blows by*

      Keldor: No one? I might have lost my femur but you lot are humorless.

      *another tumbleweed blows by*

      Keldor: Alrighty then. Let's talk to our final team so I can go home and rethink my non-life. It's Loest and Logan ...

      Keldor: Logan, you look like you want to punch me in the face. Do you look like that all the time, or is it just me?
      Logan: Moooooove out of my way, Keldor. It's not your face I want to smash. Itís already missing enough parts. I want this smug mage here.

      Keldor: Loest, are you glad you didnít get paired with a Wulven? know...that cloak of yours looks kind of reddish in a certain light and we all know how they feel about people in red hoods.
      Loest: Cow, dog, all the same to me. They can all be banished exactly the same. Heffer over there would require a bit more effort.
      Keldor: If olive oil comes from olives and vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?
      Logan: Babies, obviously. At least the Balorian ones. They smash just like stones.
      Loest: Better than the fat and grease that drips from a cooked carcass such as yours, buddy!

      *Loest's hands ignite*

      Keldor: Well, I think it's pretty clear why you two are bottom of the team rankings!

      This article was originally published in forum thread: Keldor Interviews the Stars of the SEF #4 started by Gondorian
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