• Keldor Interviews the Stars of the SEF #5

      Keldor: Hi, fans, welcome back to another edition of Keldor Interviews! It's been a longer break than planned, as I've been busy on the battlefield with a brand new Leash of Life!

      Keldor: First up, a live interview with our Team Champions from March, Gwenneth and Zaladar! How did you both feel after a long and successful season?
      Gwen: Barely broke a sweat. And I was the one doing all the heavy lifting!
      Zaladar: Such insolence will not be tolerated! You will pay for your arrogance, mortal.
      Gwen: There's not much you can do now, is there? Ever since Vull decided your reaping of souls was not within the spirit of the contest, you lost a great deal of your menace.
      Zaladar: I am still the greatest! When I regroup my forces, you will all once again tremble before my might.
      Gwen: Come on, Sparkles, you can't even deal with my bows. What're you going to do?
      Zaladar: You'll see! You will all see!

      *Zaladar kicks down his chair and leaves the room muttering*

      Zaladar: A thousand curses on that horned scumbag. I'll ban HIM. I'll ban him for good.

      Keldor: I must say that was expected. I see you don't mind provoking Zaladar, even though you are in the same situation. How do you comment on Vull preventing you from hiding in the forest this month?
      Gwen: It's nothing like that. I never needed to do that, and I have nothing but loathing for cowards that do it.
      Keldor: Some might say you got lucky being paired up with Zaladar before Vull outlawed the Soul Reaper technique.
      Gwen: Some might get hit by an arrow to the knee!
      Keldor: That would really limit my career as a stand-up!
      Gwen: Your career is already lying dead in a ditch somewhere and I've a good mind to send you back to join it.
      Keldor: Onto safer topics then ... How do you feel about your new partner, Logan?
      Gwen: Let's just say that my team-mate is a much bigger drawback than any ban Vull might impose.
      Keldor: Come on, Logan is a fun guy. And you both love weapons! I think you'll find some common ground.
      Gwen: He might love his weapons, but he has no idea how to use them. Last time he even broke his hammer. His endurance in particular leaves a lot to be desired too.

      Keldor: Speaking of leaving a lot to be desired, I now proudly present the worst team from March, Ythan and Darkclaw, who I interviewed a couple of weeks ago, but the footage went missing in mysterious circumstances until some motivational words from Vull helped me track it down. Roll VT!

      *Keldor tentatively turns to look at himself on a monitor ...*

      Keldor: I have to admit that I'm not very well prepared for this. Everyone expected those two losers Loest and Logan to come last, so most of my prepared jokes won't work now.
      Ythan: Wait, you actually prepare your jokes? That makes them so much worse.
      Keldor: They can't be worse than your season ranking, Pretty Boy.
      Ythan: You and I both know who's to blame. Look at him! Peacefully gnawing on a bone by the fireplace. How can a wolf be so placid?!
      Darkclaw: Life is good. Vull gave us a roof over our heads, heating, as many bones as we desire. Can't complain.
      Ythan: Getting bones is fine for you, you mongrel. What am I supposed to do with them? Ever since we finished last, he quit giving us bread! I mean it's great for my figure but I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this.
      Keldor: All this bone talk is making me very uncomfortable ...
      Darkclaw: Relax, Keldor, I have no need for your putrid bones any more.
      Keldor: I'm still keeping my eye on you, Darkclaw. You too, Ythan. I know you hunter folk use bones to make those bows. Anyway, what do you plan to do to avoid being the stars of the 'Losers of SEF' interview in 30 days?
      Ythan: For starters, I'm getting far away from this beast as soon as the interview is done. Can't say Elementalis will be a good partner, but he can't be worse than him.
      Darkclaw: Ythan, you truly are a weakling. Typical cat person nonsense. I don't know who my new teammate is and I don't care. I've met a few solid allies recently, so I'm not worried about my future.

      *Keldor pauses the video and takes a brief moment to himself ...*

      Keldor: Hmm, that actually went better than I remembered. I'm almost regretting letting Darkclaw bury the tape in my garden rather than my left femur ...

      *A fireball hits the monitor and it bursts into flames*

      Keldor: Oh! It seems another great team has graced us with their presence. I give to you the second best team from March, Threbin and Majiya.
      Majiya: It's about time we got this started. I'm glad you got my subtle hint.
      Keldor: Ahem. Sorry about the delay. Can I assume you were content with your standings at the end of March or do you feel you could've done more?
      Threbin: I feel a pure human team could've been first. Gwen and I would definitely have a much better total than she got with that abomination.
      Majiya: Tsk. You're in the presence of the prime choice of champions. Watch your tongue if you wish to keep it!
      Keldor: I see the sparks are flying between the two of you. Threbin, are you aware of the allegations of you using necromancy to bring back the dead? Not sure what your congregation will say if the usage of Ghostmaker is proven to be true.
      Threbin: Look, I can neither confirm nor deny those claims, but I hope people will start minding their own business. It's not like you are giving our flame queen here a hard time for using electrical strikes.
      Majiya: It's okay, Threb, don't get your panties in a bunch. I guess your god can't see you when it's cloudy.
      Threbin: What do you mean by that?!
      Majiya: I can explain it for you but I can't understand it for you.
      Keldor: I don't like where this is going. As I am quite flammable AND I'm undead I wouldn't want to be caught in the middle of a flame versus arcane feud. Let's wrap this up! Thoughts on your current partners for April?
      Threbin: I've got no respect at all for that godless half-breed. As we just witnessed on your monitor, he finished last in March and didn't seem too bothered about it. Vull is probably balancing things out, pairing the strongest with the no-hopers.
      Majiya: That's exactly what he's doing. If Victor was not so easy on the eyes, I'd have reduced him to ash and gone it alone this month.
      Keldor: Well, thank you both for joining me ... and the makeshift fire to keep us warm, Majiya. Do come again!

      *Majiya and Threbin leave and Keldor ponders his next words very carefully ...*

      Keldor: Well, it's a shame we don't have another monitor to watch my other 'Losers of SEF' interview ...

      *A huge screen lights up above Keldor's head, with Vull's face on it ...*

      Vull: Since I know you really wanted to show that interview, you can use my communications screen just this once. This is gonna be huge! Roll VT!

      Keldor: I am grateful for the opportunity to now announce the second worst team. Give your sympathy to team “LoLo”, aka “How Lo can you go” - Loest and Logan! Let's start with the pompous one: Loest, you really do live up to your name.
      Loest: Savior of Layar?
      Keldor: No. Loest, because your ranking was ... well it was second lowest. Damn, wish you hadn't jumped to 15th place in the last moment.
      Loest: I did it just to ruin your joke.
      Keldor: Gee, thanks for that. I see no one is mentioning the elephant in the room. What's with the plastic surgery? If you did it to hide from your critics, you messed up. People still recognize you and you are simply giving them another reason to mock you.
      Logan: And there are already plenty of those!
      Keldor: At least you saved the people of Layar from ever seeing your smug face again. Seriously, I think this is a huge improvement.
      Loest: If you must know, this glorious image that you feast your eyes upon is my true form.
      Keldor: Seriously? I suppose you spent the last few years undercover at the Academy of Really Bad Excuses?
      Loest: Are you done?
      Keldor: Actually, yeah, I'm out of material. It's funny messing with you because you were supposed to be good. There's no point in messing with Logan as he is universally regarded as the worst hero in SEF.
      Logan: Hey, I shall let this one pass but another of those remarks and I will feast on your ribs tonight!
      Loest: I'd like to bring something to attention. I have basically beaten Ythan and Darkclaw on my own. In my tome, that's a huge accomplishment. I should be getting an award, not being forced to participate in interviews with this deadweight bull.
      Keldor: Wow. If only I could bottle up your arrogance, I'd be able to market it as a low self-esteem vaccination. I'd prefer to talk to Logan now, if you don't mind. Logan, I wonder how did you manage to get the more beautiful half of the March SEF champions as your partner?
      Logan: Well, I don't just break stones, you know. Vull required some deforestation around the arena grounds. That's how Gwen landed with me.
      Keldor: As a thank you from Vull?
      Logan: No, she literally landed with me, right into my arms, when the last tree fell.
      Keldor: Hey, I do the puns around here!
      Logan: My apologies. I have no idea how long she'd been hiding up there.
      Loest: Enough about that. I think it's great you finally have a chance of winning something. Breakthrough Comedian of the Year!
      Keldor: I said I DO THE PUNS!

      *Keldor abruptly stops the tape.*

      Keldor: Ah, now I remember why the tape went missing. Good night, everyone! See you next time.

      This article was originally published in forum thread: Keldor Interviews the Stars of the SEF #5 started by Gondorian
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